je suis une table

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:40:03 GMT

So as I'm sure we're all aware, I'm a total tard.

And when the light of the sun shines upon me, boys flock like moths....it's a strange phenomena.

*Sigh* ahh the chronicle of boys that this journal holds. The glory of youth I suppose, the glory of life even perhaps?

But, enough procrastinating, back to cleaning before the moths arrive.

Living in Seattle

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 05:24:10 GMT

So time to update :D

It's been awhile since I've just done an update so I figured it was about the time. Tim (Apollo) and I are togetherish in that we have a relationship and go as far as saying we're "in" a relationship, but though I love that boy I just don't get him most of the time. So it goes back and forth in levels of formality but is generally acceptable to reckon at primary levels with the term of boyfriend being available for convenience. I really do love him, but I am so confused by him so often I don't know what to do about it. So I've just taken to not tring to figure out what he really wants and isn't telling me because there's nothing I can really do about it with him so far away and thus I'll just go with what he says he wants and I check in a couple times if I think he's keeping things to himself.

So that said, I've been actually having a very good time. I keep seeming to get couples into bed, which is weird but kinda nice. I'm living in Seattle, well Shoreline, and working in Fremont until mid August. Got a bunch of pretty boys lined up that like me and have been flirting with them. I miss my boy alot though, and I think I only want and need these other boys so much because I'm not getting the physical affection or compliments or ease of communication with my Apollo.

Becoming a Kandi Kid, which has kinda been inevitable for awhile but it's actually been something I've wanted to do since I started so I'm super excited. Rolled a few times recently and even rolled through a rave which was a fucking great experience. My rave family is growing, and I just inherited my friend Huggles's Kandi, so I'm working my way up in the world :D If you're free and would like to go dancing, you should come out to Another Midsummer Night on the 8th, it should be lots of fun ^_^

I should be off to bed, but I hope you are all doing well, take care! XD

Tehehehehehehe

Wed, 27 May 2009 10:26:01 GMT

So....long story short......I'm a giddy little school girl and Tim is amazing and I'm not angry at him anymore and he's validated and addressed our issues and......XXXXXDDDDDDDD!!!!!

I'm sure the short story will be long soon, but I felt a brief joy squeal and update was necessary :D

Wed, 06 May 2009 00:53:42 GMT

Don't you hate when you have things you really need to talk about to somebody who will really think about the situation rather than just support you blindly or condemn them without thought? I do.

Ahh well, I'm sure things will fizzle and/or explode to sort themselves out...*sigh*

Share your stories with me

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 07:33:27 GMT

This is, I've decided, a magickal Spring. It is beautiful outside. Inside, many I know are being filled with the warmth and joy that Nature herself seems to be sharing. I am happier than I have been in many years and with the exception of a few bouts of insecurity and paranoia, have managed to overcome my normal traps and pitfalls because of the aid of the blessings of Spring.

So tell me, my friends out there in Livejournal-Land, how are your Springs going?

Long, Convoluted, Fucked-Up. I really, REALLY need help and counsel though if you can.

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 12:31:24 GMT

I have suffered from continual harassment and intimidation from my roommates Kevin and Elizabeth. I came to live in the Gender Neutral housing so that I could live somewhere safe and secure, where I would be free from the harassment and heterosexism of other living situations. What I found however, was a place where heterosexual couples had come to live together with no care for the LGBTQ community.

During Orientation week, I was physically intimidated and harassed by my roommates Kevin and Elizabeth, who are in a relationship with one another, and Curtis who at the time was in a relationship with another roommate Marta. I was physically cornered while they all demanded that I answer all their questions about queerness, and let them into a queer-only gathering later that evening and that they felt oppressed since there were so many queer people. When I told them I was done talking, and moved past them into the kitchen, they again trapped me whilst telling me that they were in support of my “lifestyle choice.” After that, I went down the hall to be chased by calls from Kevin telling me that I could, “always move out so they can bring back couple’s housing.”

Following that incident, I contacted my RA, Larry, and we went through an attempted mediation and LLA meeting, the result of this meeting was that our problems were swept under the rug and left unresolved to boil under the surface. After weeks of awkward and antagonistic exchanges between myself and my roommates, my roommate Curtis threw my cabbage out the window spurring me to not keep any food in the house for another month. After that time had passed and I began to bring food back into the house, on November 17th while getting my makeup on for the drag performance I was about to go on for the EQA, I had an exchange with another roommate about the kitchen where I mentioned my food being thrown out, to which Curtis piped in that they weren’t all poised against me and that he didn’t throw my food out. After that, I decided to just leave the house and had to finish getting ready in the bathroom of the CAB. The next night, he apologized for throwing out the cabbage and since then he and I have gotten along just fine.

At the end of winter break however, the latest in the string of harassments began, taking the form of pornography plastered in the common areas. When Kevin and Elizabeth returned they placed pornography above the sink, and when I had a conversation with Elizabeth about how I found it disgusting and did not want it in the commons, she grew angry, but then took it down. Though I thought that would be the end of it, a few days later they put two pages of pornography over the sink, and have since then been switching them out for different pages periodically.

They gave Curtis, whose door is directly in front of mine, an item to put on his door with “Well Hello There ^_^” written on the door. After that happened, he came to me and asked me what I thought, and we had a discussion about it in the hallway within earshot of Kevin and Elizabeth. We discussed the fact that I feel embarrassed to bring people into the home and did not feel comfortable with it in common places. If they feel the need to put it in their room, that is one story, but posting it all over the common room is unacceptable, and quite frankly, tacky. He then enquired when I was going to put up some hairy masculine porn, directed at me because I’m queer, I told him that it would defeat the purpose and would be just as tacky as the rest. Later that night he took a black marker to cover up the breasts of the picture, making it look more like a pinup girl or something. Somebody came by afterward to write “Tacky, I have those” and drew two breasts next door. A few days after that the picture had a goatee, mustache, and chops, presumably a jab at me to make it more acceptable by masculinizing it or something.

I went away for the weekend, and when I returned on January 19th, my roommates had placed new pornography all over the living room, and had changed the ones over the sink for what must have been the fifth time. Kevin and Elizabeth, along with my trans roommate Elyssa, were all drinking on the couch, and more than likely making fun of me judging by the outbursts of laughter everytime I left the room. I had my headphones on at the time. So, in response to this, I printed out the RCW detailing the definition of sexual harassment and posted it on the bulletin board in the kitchen, highlighting the section specifically mentioning that it constitutes communication designed to create a hostile or intimidating work or educational environment. When I returned later, they had removed all the pornography again, but had written “You have the right to remain SILENT” on the printout. I then found Officer Forest, and we went to speak with the on-duty RD that night to discuss what could be done.

Though I only took one picture prior to this incident, I made sure to take pictures as I know that since they outnumber me, I would need proof of this as they can just deny it. I am at the point where I am prepared to charge them with harassment if necessary, however I am looking to avoid that through the Evergreen State College and hopefully the Gender Neutral Housing can be remedied to better fit its intended purpose. I am not sure what can be done to resolve this, but I do not want to move out of my room, since I came to live there to avoid these situations and I hope that it is not Evergreen’s policy to support harassment.

In a meeting with the RD prior to mediation, after meeting with Kevin, she informed me that it didn't seem like the intention was to attack, intimidate, or offend me and that I might just be being overly sensitive. I grew angry at that and informed her that I was getting a bit angry because she just informed me that I'm just being overly sensitive about heterosexism. She backpedaled nicely, saying she didn't intend that (I AM SO DONE WITH FUCKING INTENTIONS AFTER THIS WHOLE BULLSHIT!!!!GAH! Actions happen regardless of intentions, yet it's a recurring rationale)

[Gets convoluted up ahead, before was my official statement with the bit about drinking added in since it wasn't in the first bit because I was still willing to work with these people...albeit begrudgingly. It's important, but understandably hard to read through. Sorry, this is where I'm really needing to sort things out and get any sort of support]

Then, the RD's solution was to mediate. Though I had reservations, and made them known, as it was a huge failure the time before; I agreed to the mediation. I told her that before we all pretended nothing was wrong and if I attended this time I needed to know that I was allowed to field my anger and would not hold back. So with that knowledge out and assurances it would be not only acceptable but necessary for the mediation to work, I brought my mom and dad with me for support, not to speak really but just to be there as they had each other. And presumably because my mom yelled at her, Kara came as the representative of the Evergreen Queer Alliance. When we walked in, the air could shatter with but a breath it was so tense. After a minute or two of waiting, Elizabeth asked me if I was going to introduce my parents, and as it's neither my place; nor was it my intention, I told her I was not going to. My mother explained it away as a tribal matter once Kara decided I was just being obstinate and introduced them.

So then the RD and Larry arrived and the mediation began. It began with trying to remove my family, which I would have none of. I understood the hesitation at their presence, that it's easier to deal with just the people living there, but I also was outnumbered, felt harassed and unsafe, and Kevin and Elizabeth had each other for support. After a bit of bickering about the issue, they gave up and asked their first question, "why don't you move out if you feel unsafe?" Following that they demanded that I recount all of my conversations, and when I made a chronological error of when something was said, that came later in conversation, they jumped on me for lying and Kevin stormed out because "there's no point in this if you're not even going to be honest."

The mediation moved through their questions that they had compiled beforehand, mostly directed at me as a force victimizing them, even going so far as to state, "we're the ones who had a grievance filed against us." They tag-teamed me, one getting angry and attacking me while the other was calm to diffuse the situation. Following a spike in one of their anger, Kevin would storm off angrily and Elizabeth would run off to make a loud sobbing noise or two before coming back. The RD did not stop this, did not address this, but did not hesitate to shut me down whenever I got angry, which I did frequently, I will admit.

After some time of this continuing, where they would attack me and tell me I'm not communicating right they made the statement that I never told them to take the porn down. After they had already acknowledged the conversations with Elizabeth and Curtis happened, they tried to tell me they didn't know I wanted it down? I don't know about you, but to me, "I find it disgusting, I am embarrassed, I don't think it should be in common spaces, it's tacky, it makes me feel embarrassed bringing people into this space" is pretty damn blatantly saying it's not acceptable. When the RD tried telling me I needed to be more direct with my communication and I got angry because they were essentially telling me that my communication isn't white enough and needs to be better, my mom informed them that I was being direct and speaking off to the side of issues rather than directly at them is considered polite. That I was trying to give them the opportunity to remove it without embarrassing them or presuming to order them to do something.

During a lull in the anger level, Kevin mentioned something about me not knowing why they were living in Gender Neutral (or something to that effect, wouldn't want to be a liar for not remembering verbatim), so I asked them, why they are living in Gender Neutral. Kevin calmly, which I was at that moment very grateful for, explained that Elizabeth's father died last year and they needed to be together because it's a grieving process and it was the only place that was possible. Elizabeth then, as an afterthought to Kevin's candid answer, said that it's also to be in the environment and be an ally. So I asked her what being an ally meant to her, which she said that she supports Elyssa (the aforementioned Trans roommate) and has other gay friends.

I'm not sure if it was before or after that that Kevin stated his rationale for the porn was that his doctor had told him that the only way he survived boot camp was porn in his locker, and Kevin said "This is like boot camp to me, so I did it for my own selfish pleasure and enjoyment."

Following this lull in the fight it rose back up to being tag-teamed for about five more minutes. They said that in the beginning of the year I was talking about how I was "giving them three strikes before I got them kicked out of Gender Neutral Housing and that they couldn't use homophobic language or show public displays of affection because they're straight people." Hearing that, I flipped out, asked if they confused me with my sister perhaps; but they and Curtis insisted I said it. I got so angry that I yelled, "I swear upon all that is in Creation I have never said that in my life!" (who talks like that? I dunno, but boy hell did I mean that. I was thinking I swear upon wakalaummiwawahokaparwakala...but that's how it translated. Boy I was pissed). Now, I remember talking to Kara about the strikes thing, and might have said something about that when Curtis called something gay in the beginning of the year. I never claimed to have power over it however. More importantly though, I NEVER said that about the PDA. I don't talk like that for one, and for two even though I didn't think they belonged in Gender Neutral, at first I thought they were cute. I like couples, they make me happy. After awhile of the mediation seeming to go nowhere the RD decided we needed to revisit the mediation later and take a break from it, but instead make our Living Learning Agreement with our new roommate.

- Now for those of you who don't know what that is, an LLA is a contract drafted by roommates to decide how they're going to live together. What they need. How chores will be handled. How food is respected. General day to day living together stuff. They did this at the last mediation and that's what ended our true mediation around the issue and swept it under the table. In addition, we were doing this mediation because we were having serious trouble working and living together.......yet they wanted us to......ignore that and write an agreement about things that we were stopped while attempting to come to a resolution on....... -

So, since an LLA is in fact impossible until mediation is over, I stated my opinion about the matter and started to leave, to which Kevin agreed and stormed out. When I actually grabbed my stuff to walk out Kevin came back in and with Elizabeth started telling me I couldn't just walk out on the LLA like that. As I was walking out, Elizabeth made sure to ask however, closing the meeting, "So how's A-Dorm?"

When I met with the RD to follow-up after the meeting, she asked me how I thought it went and I told her that I felt silenced, teamed-up upon, and really needed to be able to have a voice and have an advocate for me to have that voice which I felt that she was not. I felt that, perhaps she didn't notice (though honestly, I don't see how) since they were switching back and forth but that though the source would swap it was constantly targeted at me. She told me I could either move somewhere else or sign the LLA, and I told her I needed to consult my elders and had an appointment with the Civil Rights Officer before I could make that choice, which was accepted as my answer to that.

As a side-note, she asked about the sword I have in my room and told me it needs to be removed from campus. When I came I looked for a weapons policy but only found firearms regulations, but it was no biggie so I scheduled an appointment with the man who was in charge of policies and had the power to make an exception. But evidently when I left they mentioned it (I assume, though she didn't say, alluding to it as a threatening possibility of slaughtering them in their sleep with an un-sharpened ritual tai-chi blade with no balance that has not left the wall since it arrived......grr). But now to end the cut...

So I after all of that bullshit I finally had my meeting with the Civil Rights Officer, Nicole Ack (who was a fucking godsend and an amazing person and ally). I explained the situation as best I could, putting in my emotional rationale where I was compromising my thoughts, needs, and emotions for the sake of diplomacy and the process. I also informed her of my history with an abusive alcoholic father and my inability to deal with drunk people that I already don't feel safe around while sober. She listened very intently, asked for alot of clarification, and I even told her that I was attacked for getting things out of order, so if things were slightly out of order then I'm sorry but they happened. She validated my feelings of being harassed, that I wasn't just being a reactionary queer, that it is wrong and if I was a woman and they men this wouldn't be a problem, that the mediation was handled wrong, and that they are not being allies. When she asked me what I wanted, I told her that going into the mediation I wanted it to work out, but now, though it might weaken my stance, I just want them out of Gender Neutral. She validated it as a possibility and a justified desire and went to look into the policy around it for me to see what could be done.

At our follow-up, she had evidently talked with Michael Sledge the guy in charge of the day-to-day everything in Housing but has some weird title; the RD, and an Assistant RD about the mediation, my feelings, and policy. They said that they felt that Elizabeth was sincere in her not intending to attack me in any way, and that she was hurt by my not taking her claim of allyship to be valid. They also told her that Kara was asked to leave during the meeting for laughing hysterically....Kara left in the middle it's true, and I was PISSED at her for it, but she left of her own will because she realized that there was no point in her being there. They also neglected to tell her that Kara was there as the head of the EQA, even if she is my sister. They found that asking the couple to move out would be inappropriate in this situation so I am presented with two choices: Stay, with everyone in the dorm on notice for future violations or harassment or; move to a different dorm.

I then had my meeting with Michael Sledge, the man who was brought in to deal with the problem and the man to talk to about my ritual blade. The meeting lasted about five minutes wherein I was told that since the weapons policy does not say that there is a religious item exception, there is no exception and none can be made. When I brought up other cases like Sieks in heightened airport security allowed to carry peace-bonded daggers since they're religious objects, he told me that airports are public places where that's necessary. It's optional to live in housing, I don't have to. I've been told that there's exceptions for things like Shabbat candles, normally candles are forbidden under policy, so I need to find documentation of this.

So here is my dilema, formalized:

Problems
1. Am I being reactionary and just looking for a cause to champion or is this valid?
2. Is there something I can do about the gross mismanagement of this entire affair if it is valid?
3. What do I do now?

Housing Options

1. Stay in G-208 and face further non-documentable intimidation in the hopes that they screw up and I can kick them out to set precedent for future Gender Neutral.
2. Move into H-307, also in Gender Neutral, and let the situation be swept under the rug
3. Move into Freshman Housing, a more fun environment, but with no kitchen so EXTREMELY more expensive with my developing Hypoglycemia
4. Move into the Glen with Jamie, or possibly elsewhere off-campus

I'm consulting my elders, but I want you, my friends, to advise me too if you can to weigh in what I should do. I have been falling behind in school, destroying things, missing class, I was smoking like a chimney through the major drama (have stopped since, but what knows what will come next?), and have been a depressed-pissed-manic rollercoaster of emotions through all this. It's 4:30 though so I'm done typing....what do you think?

Ahh, so brilliant :D

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:42:00 GMT

"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something we are missing." ~Gamal Abdel Nasser

Mmm, that's a good feeling

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 11:09:33 GMT

Looking back on Exes and thinking to oneself, oh dear, what did you do to yourself and what did I see in that!? It's good for the soul I think :D

What the fuck!?

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:46:51 GMT

I had a very, very strange dream last night:

So the Evergreen Queer Alliance was hosting some workshoppy event thing for mutual masturbation up at the college and for shits and giggles I decided I'd go. In my dream I remember thinking it was really fucking weird but I'd go because I felt so uncomfortable with the idea and I needed to expand my horizons. When we arrived (Kara, me, and extras) Larry was just finishing up a workshop with like a line graph and pie chart so that the excitement could begin. When somebody brought up the fact that there were gay boys and lesbians in the same room and that was weird, an old and slightly angry looking lady (I think she works in the housing office) decided that the lesbians would go to a separate room (she's a straight lady and wanted to watch the gay boys). So then all the lesbians leave and just as all the gay boys are getting settled in from the movement Kara returns from a smoke break with three lesbians and I offer to help them find the room....but I don't know where it is. So we wander all over the CAB and can't find it until we eventually split up and they head to the SEM II while I slowly head back to the boy room. The meet me on the second floor again of the CAB and ask if I found the lesbians, which I hadn't, so they go off to A-Dorm to look. When I get back up, one of my mom's old SCA/Camarilla friends from like when I was eight is there...but I don't remember which just that he was cute and topless with long brown hair....ahh well :P

Well when he finds out that the girls are looking in A-Dorm he rushes off to find them to help get them on track while a bunch of drunk straight girls tried to get inside saying 'we like the boys too, we can be gay for them, we can come in too.' To which the voyeur lady was not down with and was like, "This is for GAY guys, you need to shove the fuck off, go now. Bye." And smiled at me as she let me in...in that 'I'm going to watch your ass as you walk past' sort of way.

Inside though was a dance party with like four or five lesbians, and ten or so coupled up gay boys. GODAMNIT! I missed the dance party and I missed the chance to dance with boys. SHITFUCK! >.< (This, by the way, I figured out was how gay boys masturbate...Dancing). In the corner I noticed my friend Jesse who was crying, so I went over to talk to her and try and console her. Evidently all the lesbians decided they would go up to Seattle and Jesse couldn't come because she didn't have a cellphone. Well she could go, but Jesse herself didn't feel as though she could go if she didn't have a cellphone in case something happened.

Then, some guy and Katrina walk up and start talking about the cute boy in spikes that was all over me and I totally missed it....and the scene changed....(fucking dream ADD) Suddenly I'm with some like 20-something gay guy off-screen but our voices are coming through as the camera pans over a maybe four or five story tenement building, "Trust me, once we meet them you'll feel much better."

Inside the apartment building it jumps to an old Queen (maybe a woman, but if so it's a biomale for comic relief) with a big old blonde curly wig, wrinkles, a blue silk bathrobe, and pink and white lingerie with a huge white vibrator tucked in the back wasteband....when the doorbell rings. So she quickly puts out the cigarette and goes to run for the door when the vibrator vibrates more heavily and she goes 'woo' and nearly falls. She starts screaming for her husband (something like Harold or Gary) to get his ass out of bed and get the door for a couple minutes while we hear overly dramatic and loud snoring coming from the other room. She eventually does that angry bitchy wife yell with his name and then falls back over in to the room. In the next room Gary starts grumbling as he wakes up and the camera arrives just as he's pushing the covers off of him and standing up....He's a fucking mime!

So he jumps up and starts mouthing his grumbles without sound of course and the doorbell rings again. So he gets the mime excited face and begins mime rolling up his sleeves and then playing with his nose like it's a clown nose or something. Then just as my alarm started ringing he suddenly and almost demonicly looks to the left to glare at the clock and tries to grab me before I woke up....Fucking creepy. But so fucking hillarious at the same time.

Fox, what the fuck are you dreaming of? >.

Crap.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 08:01:57 GMT

Oil was found in North Dakota.

Godamnit.

Fri, 09 May 2008 06:32:15 GMT

So presently I have a really strong sense of closure and peace in my heart. I just talked to Kurtis and it wasn't a bad conversation, nor awkward, and I managed to get the last bits of burden off my chest. So that's really nice. I talked with Kevin awhile back and got to unload ALL the burden of him I've carried this whole time, and now don't even have anger for him, it's not something that's part of my life anymore.

I'm reaching a point in my life where everything is coming to a close so that my life may begin anew; and it's liberating, exciting, and terribly scary.

I'm anxious, but I'm welcoming it :)

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 08:17:12 GMT

So, first off, I'm intoxicated. To which degree I cannot say presently, but it's up there. I hadn't had much to eat in a while before I drank, but I didn't have that much. So somewhere in early drunk stages I suppose...

Buuuuut, I needed to say a few things because they're bothering me.

I've recently developed a libido. I mean when I liked somebody or didn't know somebody sometimes I'd have attraction to them and if I was with somebody I'd be involved if I was attracted; but no sense of wanting or needing any sexual gratification otherwise.

Now, I really need something. It's something that's very new to me and I'm still not sure how to deal with this new development. I've been trying to be forward and upfront with the whole situation, but I feel as though I've already established myself as something other than a person who needs to fuck and more of a person who wants to fuck certain people. So that's weird.

Also I've become really casual with my approach to sex and my body in general. I've become super comfortable with the idea and though it's still nice for it to be important with somebody I like; I don't need that anymore. I'm more than okay with just being naked because I want to be and more than okay with having sex with somebody just to have sex with them.

In fact I'm even looking at some people as good for little else than that.

I want some honest opinions and feedback. I might not change what I'm feeling or doing and I'm not ashamed of it; but I really want to know what your thoughts on the matter are. Especially when dealing with the matter and your perceptions of me.

Watch and learn grasshopper

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:13:02 GMT

You may think you are crafty enough to make me feel bad or make yourself look to be in a better position, but I am the GOD of optimism. And oh ho, I have won already.

Sorry Kurtis; but I always win, remember?

And thank you for joining me in my sense of vindication :)

You may now return to your regularly scheduled LJ

you are so awwkwaaard

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 04:29:47 GMT

Tooo meeeee, can't you seeee?

Oh gays. Oh gays.

Happy anniversary honey

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 08:22:05 GMT

I'm single.

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 08:14:20 GMT

I'm mother fucking flying through the mother fucking clouds and I'm fucking loving it so much. I really do feel good about myself, and who I am. I've got a beautiful, smart, funny boyfriend who adores me. And you know what, I'm actually pretty attractive myself. I'm happy with who I am, with where I am, and with who I'm with. And that's all that matters to me right now.

Yay.

I feel the urge

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 05:09:25 GMT

To decorate my laptop alot. Any suggestions for main items? I'll definitely doodle all over it to fill in gaps, but there's got to be a big center piece and I'd love suggestions.

Denny's has internets, who knew?

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 16:08:56 GMT

Oh hellogoodbye, you understand me :P

En Garde Creatures!

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 08:35:15 GMT

So today I went and saw I Am Legend, which was a good movie and I'd recommend watching it. But now, my mind is getting ready for sleep, and to prepare me for that it has begun increasing the vividity of my mental images. I am not afraid of the things in the movie at all, they aren't really zombie things like I was lead to believe, they're more like demon vampire monster things. They're pretty much nonsensical really :P But that being said, my mind makes things far worse than they are.

My mind is giving them form, giving them shape, giving them purpose, giving them history, giving them power. And I know that when I go to sleep, I shall dream of them, and I know I shall vanquish them. But even so I am quite excited for this recent upsurge in creativity. I've been dreaming alot and remembering it all recently, though I usually just resign to telling Kurtis what I dreamt about and calling it good.

It's been awhile since my last round of dream combat, I'm ready and waiting. Ought to go well I think :D. At least they're spirits of my own creation, and I can flex the muscles and blow the dust off the weapons without having to face any real dangers. Yay. ^.^

--------------

That being said, I'm really glad I got to go to Portland with Koe, it reminded me of alot about myself that I shouldn't have to worry about expressing. Yays :D

Phi Theta Kappa

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 22:01:02 GMT

So, I'm excited, I just got an offer to join an international honors society ^_^

It's an honor society for two-year college students, and due to my academic excellence I have been given an invitation to join. I know it might seem silly, but I'm super excited. I've seen alot of scholarships that are only available to Phi Theta Kappa members and there are more that they offer from their program when you get membership. Membership becomes an item on your transcript, and they write letters of recommendation to prospective schools and employers on your behalf. There's a fee to join, like most of these things, but that alone is the major detterent. It's $60 to join, and I've got to get that before March 1st. I think I'm going to apply for a job at McDonalds or Burger King or something. I mean I don't really want to work at either, but it's money and I'm finding myself really needing that. Ahh well. I'll figure something out if this is worth it, I always do. I just wanted to share my excitement with everyone :D

Yay.

wow

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 13:48:32 GMT

I am really a creature of jealousy. I knew envy for a long time. But now I realize I get jealous fast too. I mean I realize it and I don't dwell or act upon it....but godamn :P

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 10:48:54 GMT

I miss and really, really need Spring Mysteries right now.
Even when I could feel the definite lack of divinity in the representatives it is still special.
It is a time and place to rejuvenate myself.
It is a time and place to validate my existence.
It is a time and place that the Gods listen even when they do not speak.

The blessings of the Gods from that simple festival will never be forgotten by me.
The words spoken from the lips of the only one who could speak them.
The sense of direction and perspective granted by so many others in unison.
The night sky lending itself in testament to the event.
That patch of grass forever changed by our circles.
The mighty winds that scare some but instill me with pride and vindication.

The sense of right that I call upon even now, years after the last time.
The love that I found.
The respect that I lost.
The sense I still struggle to understand.

I need to go to Spring Mysteries this year.
Somehow.

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 06:54:30 GMT

So at Stonewall I actually shared something important to me. Something I needed help with. And I got some good feedback. Most of it was assuming I was at a stage in my processing that I had already passed, but somebody said something that really helped.

I was really sad, angry, betrayed, disappointed, hopeful, faithful, and numb earlier. And his suggestion actually helped.

I think I may, for the first time ever, actually love Stonewall.

hmmm...

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 19:01:55 GMT

So I've mostly analyzed this dream, but there's just one thing that I know carries significance but I'm not exactly sure what it could be; well I am, just a toss up between two things.

First off the dream was set in the apartment in Kent, which I don't think has any significance other than my early memories of feeling loved and safe.

I was talking on the phone with Jared on the balcony (he's on the phone, not the balcony) because I overheard a conversation between him and the live-in hag about his nefarious plans and I was chewing him out for it. Then I walked inside, while I was still yelling on the phone, no real words, just anger.

A friend of mine was hiding where the closet was (which was now a bathroom, it's dream physics). I kept trying to get her to come out, but she didn't want to step out. She popped her head out, but didn't feel comfortable risking anything else. I couldn't help but think of her as being a turtle, since even though they venture out of their shell, it's only tentatively and they're always ready and waiting for something to happen for them to dart back inside. She represents my fear to venture out and take risks. My fear of being hurt. The overriding tendency I have to always expect the worst scenario.

Then another friend of mine, who came out from the balcony (I was still out there on the phone, I didn't recognize it as me, it was just a shadowy figure, but I'm pretty sure it was still me). But he comes in and tells me that he loves me and I should feel better. Then he says he wants to give me a hug but he's pretty kissy and he always for some reason, though he tries not to, he's just too quick and busy to concentrate, reverts back to the Vengeance Kiss (which as he was talking I was flipping through a roladex of kiss types....no idea, I think that was just random). I know he was just representing the social aspect of me. The side that wants to go out and love everyone, and in turn be loved by everyone. The part that wants to be around people, and knows how to handle them and exudes copious amounts of charm. I should also mention that the friends representing these aspects are deeply in love with one another, which I believe was to indicate that they're both equally valid aspects of my being and they cannot exist without each other.

But the biggest problem I have is that throughout the entire dream, even when I was on the phone, I kept looking at a little mirror placed by the door. It was no larger than a mirror on say a make-up thing. It wasn't placed anywhere particularly sacred or special, there were pens, and buttons, and bits of food crap, I think even a Hershey's kiss paper thing around it; but I kept glancing at the mirror. Everytime that I tried to look at my reflection in it I'd look up at the people in the apartment. I know that means that the apartment was a construct to look into myself, but I'm almost certain that the mirror's placement by the door means something. I don't have a big feeling about the messiness around it, I think that was just a way for my mind to make it less surreal. But the phone-talker, who I haven't really identified an aspect in and of himself (except perhaps an expression of the other two) is outside the door with the mirror. I was always aware of the entire apartment, but until I walked inside I wasn't aware of the two people inside. When I walked inside the door, I started talking to the two and looking at the mirror. So perhaps he was placed outside the door for a reason. But is the dream telling me to look in the mirror or not? Telling me to step inside my mind or out? Telling me to chose turtle or hare?

Je ne sais pas......ahh well, homework.

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 09:23:41 GMT

okay, so I called him three to four times tongith and one of them was to leave a message for the New Year. On the last time I actually talked to him I spent an huor and 45 minutes speaking to him, but it fel treally good. First drunk dialing, so yay. Touched on a few subjects that though I've been chronically honest with him I didn't think I could touch on. So I hope everything works out. Might be sleeping with Jason boy now, but I really don't care, since I'm quite, wuite trashed if you haven't telled by the gramatical and spelling errors. I saw quite and telled but decided not to change them four times to get them right most of this sentence, though I do find it easier to spell if I look elsewhere which is strange....but at any rate. HAPPY NEW YEAR YO! Now it's time to switch to mah desktop and attempt to play drunken WoW. Huzzah!